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Great books on parenting

Tricky Kids

Author Andrew Fuller
Publisher Finch Publishing
Year 2007
ISBN 9781876451769

As a parent of a ‘tricky kid’ a.k.a. ‘difficult’, ‘willful’, ‘spirited’, ‘intense’ and all the other names our society gives children who don’t conform, I have found this book to be inspiring, engaging and totally relevant. Like the legendary Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurkinka, this book ‘speaks volumes to me’ and makes me realise I am not alone in the challenges I face on a daily basis. Written for parents of young children to teens, Tricky Kids is down-to-earth and practical, with a handy section for teachers at the back. Andrew Fuller brings his 20+ years of experience as a clinical psychologist and family therapist to a ‘tricky’ subject that often has hackles raised at the outset – but he approaches his subject with good sense and good humour. Read the book’s introduction on this website.

Excerpt:
There is very good research that tells us that the small rituals that we put into family life are a powerful positive force. They build goodwill and routine and, with tricky children, routines and rituals are good. The rituals don’t need to be expensive, in fact the best ones cost very little or nothing... A ritual is something you do regularly as a family that does not depend on how the children are behaving.

Adopting (Parents’ Stories)

Author Edited by Jane Turner Goldsmith
Publisher Wakefield Press
Year 2007
ISBN 978 1 86254 768 1

Although I am the mother of two naturally conceived children of my own blood, I found this book utterly riveting and at times, extremely moving. The candour and humour of the writers is compelling and engaging, and together the stories tell a tale of thwarted but intense desire for children, the frustrations of the complicated journey of adopting a child, and the self-sacrifice involved along the way. As readers, we share the writers’ hopes and doubts as they make a decision to adopt a child (and in many cases, stop the debilitating cycle of IVF); their elation and apprehension when after travelling across the world, they finally meet their child and return home to Australia with them. The emptiness of infertility and feelings of failure are palpable – “I felt alone, even though I knew I was not. Infertility knows no logic.” (Wendy M Anderson, contributor) Some stories here date back to the 1960s and 70s and include one story of Aboriginal adoption and adopting children with special needs. Some are accounts of adoption from Korea, India, Ethiopia, China and Romania. In each case, the weight of the decision to adopt (particularly the issues of separating their child from its birth culture) and the parents’ resilience in pursuing their dream is immense. As a reader, I appreciated the words written by the adoptive child at the end of many chapters.

Two authors’ stories are featured here at Parenting Express: Wendy M. Anderson and Julia Rollings.

Exit Wounds

Author Heather Taylor Johnson
Publisher Picaro Press (Australia)
Year 2007
ISBN 978 1 920957 46 9

Parenting Express poet, Heather Taylor Johnson has released this thoughtful and often moving collection of poems that celebrate birth, living and dying. In many of her poems, Taylor Johnson captures a fresh sense of the every day, and we glimpse a window into her life as a writer/mother across two continents. Australian poet, Thomas Shapcott said of this collection, “there is a relaxed, anecdotal feel to these poems... (they) are sensuous, full of precise recall and leave the reader in a thoroughly celebrative mood.” Exit Wounds is available from poetry-friendly bookshops in Australia or through Picaro Press. Read one of Heather’s poems from this collection here.

Midwife Wisdom, Mother Love

Author Sarah James
Publisher Lothian Books (Australia)
Year 2005
ISBN 0 7344 0826 9

If you’re pregnant and wondering what comes next, this is the book for you. If you’ve just given birth and are searching for an honest account of what you’ve just experienced, this is the book for you. If you love reading about the miracle of birth written in a no-nonsense, practical style – this is the book for you too. Written by an Australian mother of four and an experienced midwife, ‘Midwife Wisdom, Mother Love’ offers valuable insights gained from both James’ professional and personal life. There are many funny moments and the author’s style is personable and down-to-earth. I most enjoyed the candid, detailed and sometimes disturbing memoirs about each of her own very different births. Read the story of Noah’s birth here on Parenting Express.

Excerpt: “My sister-in-law gave birth to her first child eight years before we had children. Her birth was fast and easy. She told me the story with great enthusiasm. She had no pain relief and pushed the baby out on all fours. She smiled as she said, “it was the best orgasm of my life!” I smiled back, but I had no idea what she was talking about.

Motherhood – How should we care for our children? (Moving beyond the motherwars – changing the way we see and act)

Author Anne Manne
Publisher Allen & Unwin (Australia)
Year 2005
ISBN 1 74114 379 9

At its heart, this engaging and meticulously researched book by an Australian social commentator and writer searches for solutions to the divisive and controversial issues around caring for children: the choices we make about work, lifestyle and reproduction. Anne Manne’s rigorous and unstinting questioning of early institutionalised child care, and of our society’s responsibility to care for its children, needs to be heard. Elegantly written without the dehumanising language of academia, Motherhood never preaches or lectures, but quietly and persistently insists that there is a better way to support parents in raising children, our society’s greatest asset. At a time when most western countries are facing a crisis of declining birth rates and many parents are forced to work longer hours than ever before, this is a vitally important book for all carers of children to read. Undoubtedly one of the most confronting, profound and inspiring books I have ever read.

Read the prologue to Motherhood here on Parenting Express

More about this book on the Allen & Unwin website

Excerpt: “We need not only to make work more flexible, releasing women from juggling full-time work with babies and toddlers, but also to redistribute working time across the life cycle. Reconceptualising a working life over a longer time frame, rather than cramming everything into the peak reproductive years, will have profound – and beneficial – implications for women.”

Secret Mothers’ Business

Author Joanne Fedler
Publisher Allen & Unwin (Australia)
Year 2006
ISBN 1 74114 715 8

The premise of this book is what happens when eight very different women get together for a sleepover with no husbands or kids around. It’s a true account written by a writer and mother, with names and some personal details changed for privacy reasons. At times it’s funny, poignant, brutally honest and utterly judgemental, a little like reading the author’s diary. There is much here to illicit the ‘thank god I’m not alone in feeling this’ factor and some beautiful language thrown in to boot. All in all, a fabulous read and a book that provides food for thought as well as entertainment.

Excerpt: "Motherhood is not a trifle. It is the ultimate matrix - between life and death. When all the romance and glory is stripped away, it is a wasteland with no consolations for the errors, mishaps and sins we unwittingly commit in the juggle between 'doing the best we can' for those we have brought to life, and staying alive ourselves."

More about this book on the Allen & Unwin website

Of woman born (Motherhood as experience and institution)

Author Adrienne Rich
Publisher Virago
Year 1977
ISBN 0 86068 031 2

Radical in its time, this ground-breaking book still packs a punch almost 30 years later. I got my copy on the internet (www.Abebooks.com) for a song, after hearing the first paragraph (see below) on a radio program. It’s described as “political, scholarly and passionate” and “fierce, urgent and rare”. It lies somewhere between a memoir and a sociological text exploring the role of woman as mother throughout history. It’s disappointing that much of the book still rings true despite the ‘progress’ of feminism in the past three decades. This book touched my heart and mind in a way that no other book on the subject of motherhood has done, particularly in its exploration of the ‘darker side’ of motherhood, and of the relationship between mothers and sons, and mothers and daughters. An amazing book that every mother should read.

Excerpt “All human life on this planet is born of woman. The one unifying, incontrovertible experience shared by all women and men is that months-long period we spent unfolding inside a woman’s body. Because young humans remain dependent upon nurture for a much longer period than other mammals, and because of the division of labour long established in human groups, where the women not only bear and suckle but are assigned almost total responsibility for children, most of us first know both love and disappointment, power and tenderness, in the person of a woman.”

Your child’s emotional needs (What they are and how to meet them)

Author Dr Vicky Flory
Publisher Finch (Australia)
Year 2005
ISBN 1 876451 65 3

This book is my second most highly recommended one (‘Kids are worth it’ comes first, see below) and its packed with helpful and illuminating material. Like ‘KAWI’, this book is very respectful of children but it differs in that it focuses on the child’s perspective and our role as parents to raise our children to be emotionally healthy and secure. I like the way it offers practical examples and suggestions about how to go about the complex and emotionally-fraught business of parenting. Seek it out!

Kids are worth it
(Giving your child the gift of inner discipline)

Author Barbara Coloroso
Publisher Somerville House Books/Lothian
Year 1994
ISBN 0 85091 647 X

This is my most widely recommended book and one I discovered on my local library’s ‘unwanted stock’ table for $1! It was the best dollar I ever spent and I regularly re-visit this wise and thoughtful book, which appeals to parents with children of all ages. This book is as valuable for its insight into our own backgrounds as it is as a ‘how-to’ text about raising the next generation. I love its honesty, goodwill, non-preaching tone (despite Barbara’s background in theology) and good sense. Well worth surfing the net to find a copy – my second one only cost me US$2.

Playful Parenting

Author Lawrence J Cohen
Publisher Ballantine (USA)
Year 2001
ISBN 0 345 44286 5

An excellent book written by a PhD psychologist, described as a “magical and inspiring read”. Cohen’s approach fits with the ‘Listening’ approach pioneered by Patty Wipfler of the Parents Leadership Institute (check out web links on the right), and is fascinating, radical and totally worth consulting for all those everyday challenges that raising young (and teenage) children bring. This book is packed with wisdom, respect and a real passion for positive and connected parenting – so that the next generation of children can have the best chance of being happy, emotionally healthy people.

Kid wrangling

Author Kaz Cooke
Publisher Penguin/Viking
Year 2003
ISBN 0 670 04007 X

An Australian tome of some 770 pages which is hilarious, informative and essential reading for today’s parents. Written by a comedian/writer, Kaz Cooke is also the author of the highly recommended ‘Up the Duff’. Kid Wrangling takes some stamina to get through, but is thoroughly researched and separated into accessible ‘chunks’, so you can read about, say pre-schoolers, if that’s what interests you right now. I plan to devour it from cover to cover when I somehow manage to find the time!

ADHD Potatoes

Author Geraldine Moore
Publisher Hybrid Publishers
Year 2005
ISBN 1 876462 37 X

The amazing Anne Deveson wrote that this book covers an important and controversial subject extremely well, and I have to agree with her. Melbourne mother, teacher and author, Geraldine Moore, tells a valuable, insightful and engrossing story of raising her two ADHD boys in the 1980s and 1990s in Australia. Her confusion and anxiety about the behaviour of her young boys and their differences from other children were palpable. It was difficult to believe that so many 'professionals' - teachers and medical workers - could be so blunt, unhelpful and unsympathetic. Geraldine’s tenacity and self-belief were admirable and this story documents her determination to find answers and solutions to the condition that is now known as ADHD. This book has lots of detail for those seeking more than a fascinating read and is highly recommended if you suspect your child of ADHD behaviours. Visit Geraldine’s website for purchasing details or ask your local bookshop to stock it.

Raising boys (Why boys are different and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men)

Author Steve Biddulph
Publisher Finch (Australia)
Year 1997
ISBN 0 646 31418 1

A seminal book that I read when my first baby boy was only two days old – needless to say everything made me cry then and this book certainly did! It’s such a thought-provoking subject that a book like this should be read annually – or at least once. Steve (and his wife) have also written other books on parenting like ‘The secret of happy children’ and ‘Manhood’, which I haven’t got around to reading yet, but I have read Steve’s ‘Stories of Manhood’ – an interesting but somewhat superficial collection that could have delved a lot deeper.

Motherlove, Stories about births, babies and beyond

Author Debra Adelaide (Editor)
Publisher Random House Australia
Year 1996
ISBN 0 09 183131 8

An Australian collection of heartfelt and often beautifully written memoirs about babies and children. Several of the stories are brave, poignant and downright gut-wrenching. A beautiful book; its only downside is that there are no male authors.

Cutting the cord

Author Debra Adelaide (Editor)
Publisher Random House Australia
Year 1998
ISBN 0 09 183526 7

An Australian sequel to ‘Motherlove’ this is a collection explores, mainly through fiction and memoir, the other side of the coin: how it feels when the time comes to step back from the mothering role. I confess that I don’t have the courage or stamina to read this yet – but when the time is right, I will.

Gas and air

Author Jill Dawson and Margo Daly (Editors)
Publisher Bloomsbury
Year 2002
ISBN 0 7475 5823 X

Some big-name British and Australian authors contribute to this anthology of birth and baby fiction and memoirs and I like the fact that the list includes men such as Bernard Cohen, Peter Carey and Nick Hornby. Many touching and inspiring stories.

The mask of motherhood (How mothering changes everything and why we pretend it doesn’t)

Author Susan Maushart
Publisher Random House Australia
Year 1997
ISBN 0 09 183622 0

An honest and, at times, very funny book written by a leading academic and writer. It explores the nature of the transformative experience of mothering and is good reading for expectant mothers as well as new ones. I loved the chapter on pregnancy and found resonance with much of the book.

The secret life of the unborn child

Author Dr Thomas Verny with John Kelly
Publisher Sphere Books
Year 1981
ISBN 0 7221 8821 8

Probably the only place you’ll find this one is on the internet or in an op-shop (like I did, for 20 cents!). I found it fascinating reading while I was pregnant and despite its age, it provides real insight into the baby’s experience of gestation and birth.

Babies, bellies and Blundstones

Author Catherine Deveny
Publisher Lothian
Year 1999
ISBN 0 7344 0046 2

Written by an Australian comedian, this book had great ‘yes!’ power when I was pregnant – I recall laughing slightly hysterically at much of it. It’s very Australian in content and will probably only appeal to women who are actually pregnant at the time.

Man with a pram

Author Tim Bryant
Publisher Australian Broadcasting Corporation Books
Year 2001
ISBN 0 7333 1013 3

About the year in the life of a public servant who became a stay-at-home dad. It’s funny stuff and great to see the male perspective on this female-centric subject.

Baby daze (Becoming a mother and staying you)

Author Erina Reddan
Publisher Hodder
Year 2000
ISBN 0 7336 1198 2

The author interviewed nine women from diverse backgrounds and wove their stories of recent births into an engrossing narrative about the myriad of changes in a woman’s life after becoming a mother. Erina’s quote speaks volumes: “I was as unprepared for the utter bone-numbing exhaustion as I was for the profound, passionate longing I felt for my baby.” Author Debra Adelaide says of the book that it shows us the story of a mother and her relationship with her child is an infinite and dynamic one. Highly recommended reading.

Life after birth

Author Kate Figes
Publisher Viking/Penguin
Year 1998
ISBN 0 14 025263 0

A thoughtful and thought-provoking book about the “terrors, exhaustion and passionate emotions of post-partum existence”, which proposes to ‘tell it as it really is’. It’s good reading for women who like to explore the implications of their new lives as parents.

Emotional intelligence

Author Daniel Goleman
Publisher Bloomsbury
Year 1996
ISBN 0 7475 2830 6

Although not a parenting book, this is essential reading for anyone interested in self awareness. It has gripping content on raising children and providing guidance. It’s a meticulously researched book that shows how emotional intelligence can be nurtured and strengthened in us all. Highly recommended reading.

Discovering childbirth and the joy of breastfeeding

Author Pauline O’Brien
Publisher Antipodean Publishers
Year 1974
ISBN 0 207 137129

Although now out of print, this very personal, Australian book was written by a contributor to this site (see her piece in the Birth Stories section). It is fascinating reading for women who are new mothers now (Pauline’s births mentioned in the book were pre-1970) and offers a glimpse of what most women experienced in hospitals as well as advice about feeding your baby in the first months of life. You can read about how appallingly most women were treated by nursing staff in maternity hospitals and how the matron’s dog wandered the un-airconditioned wards (where several women had to share one bathroom!). It’s a shock for those of us who take access to our newborn babies for granted; in Pauline’s time, the babies were whisked away to the nursery and the mother was only allowed limited and very prescribed contact. Contact me if you’d like a copy as Pauline still has a few copies for sale at A$10 each including postage within Australia.